“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.