Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches