Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

I can also cook 😂

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Cartman: Respect my
a a

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.