doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
For those that worship cheese..
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”