doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
😂 amazing answer
New mindset, who dis?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”