doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
You Might Also Like
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Born to be mild.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me