Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
