Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
