Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office