Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.