doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.