doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Matt Goss
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
wtf management?!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Thank you 🥹
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.