Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

I know a bad idea when I see one.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?