Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

The little toadstool has spoken.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.