Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

🤣😂

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!