DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.


As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.


If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.


Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.


If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.


Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.


If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.


me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual

bartender: ok [hands her a drink]

her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no