DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
You Might Also Like
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost