@sixfootcandy

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

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@somecleverthing

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

@liv_thatsme

As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@FeelingMervis

If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.

@OnlinePenguin_

me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual

bartender: ok [hands her a drink]

her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no