Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

Ironic

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

all that yoga finally paid off

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working