Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Bike is short for Bichael.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?