Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Mission: Impossible

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.