Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
How I like cutting carbs
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.