Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

cat vs inanimate object

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.