It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
The little toadstool has spoken.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)