@captainkalvis

doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?

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@Seinfeld2000

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

@LaceyNycole

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

@roxiqt

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

@AimeeHelene1

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.