Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
sensitive skin
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Yeah. This was me today.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Good advice.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams