Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

White parent Vs Arab parents

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

some cats are just doing for fun!

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Does your wife know you’re single?

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.