Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.