Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Not today

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.