doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
CRYING
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Every haunted house movie:
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.