Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

next question.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.