Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

my first day as a raccoon

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.