doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy