Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.