Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

LOL

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave