Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Hilarious if literal: arms race

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Happy thanksgiving!

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun