Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
👾👾👾
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW