Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Monday
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust