Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
