Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
