Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar