doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?