Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.