doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Wolves should really raise more people.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.