[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Fight
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous