[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I love twitter
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?