Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Planet of the Apps.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.