Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo