Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Wise advice
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.