1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
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“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.
Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”