@_Heather82

Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

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@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

@relatabledad

“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u

@galiamango

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@MarcusOreally

Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.

Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”