*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.