Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

accurate

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority