*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought![]()
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.