Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
oh shit
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.