Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
incredible book dedication
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.