Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
