Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean