DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Best spot.. 😅
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.