doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I didn’t know they can drive…
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
