Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.