doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes