doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
💯😂
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
PLOT TWIST:
