doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.