doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
That’s commitment
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
This guy gets it.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.