Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Twitter is an abusement park.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.