Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

“Sheer Arrogance”

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]