Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You Might Also Like
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast