Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Ferrari squats
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
LMAO.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Dude just wanted a popsicle…