DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I love it
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?