Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Same pineapple, same

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

not to brag, but mine was free

Lmao 😁

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.