DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.