Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

what the hell girl, sure

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

The pen is writier than the sword.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.