Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Friday

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

You’ll be OK

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.