[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy