[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
We all have our pet causes.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.