[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.