[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
i spent way too long on this
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.