Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*