DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH