Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.