“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
You Might Also Like
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.