Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.